Many people who have attended the KPY Retreats have heard the example of the woman who briefly stepped out of her office and returned to find a post-it note on her desk. She was angry that her co-worker, instead of attempting to find her first, had the audacity to answer her phone and take down a message. The post-it story is an excellent example of how we find fault with others when it really lies within us. Recently, I heard a similar story that illustrates how even with completely different details, the root of the problem remains the same.
The story goes like this: One day a male customer came in and asked Ada where Liza was. Ada told him that Liza was off that day. The man asked about Liza’s shifts, and Ada told him. The next shift Ada and Liza worked together, Ada told Liza about the guy who asked for her schedule. Turns out, that guy had been asking Liza out and she was avoiding him. Upon finding out that Ada had given him her entire work schedule, Liza got angry and stopped talking to Ada for a whole month.
Remember, the KPY shortcut is: if you get mad, then you are to blame. You are frustrated because there’s something that you’re viewing one-sided. If you were able to look at the situation as something impermanent, with two kinds of outcomes (one you like and one you dislike), you would not be angry.
In the case of the post-it note, the reason the office worker got angry is because she wanted to take the call, to speak to whoever had called. When she came back and saw that she missed the call, she blamed her office-mate. If, on the other hand, she wanted to avoid the call, she would’ve been relieved and maybe even grateful that her office-mate picked up the phone and took a message for her.
Similarly, because Liza wanted to avoid that customer, Ada’s actions were viewed in a negative light. If Liza wanted for that guy to come to see her, she would have been grateful that Ada gave him her schedule. In fact, she would have been angry if Ada hadn’t provided him that information.
Put yourself in the shoes of the person who got angry. If you can realize how you are the one who created the problem even before the phone rang or before Ada spoke to the customer, you have a good chance at avoiding similar frustrations in your future. In both cases, the frustration had a cause that came from within, not from without. It was not the post-it note or the schedule that made them angry, but the fact that they desired one thing but got the opposite.
In reality, both that which we desire and that which we do not desire are equally likely to occur. That’s because nothing is guaranteed, life is filled with impermanence. However, we tend to hope for only one outcome – happiness. We expect for people to read our minds and do what we wish. At the same time, we allow our minds to change at any time. We are impossible to please. How can anyone keep up with us?
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