When someone says something, why do we sometimes feel nothing, while at other times we take offense? The answer is in the Dhamma Roundtable quote from a few weeks back, “that which we believe as us or belonging to us will lead to suffering in this world.”
Imagine my mom is having breakfast and is almost full. She asks me to get her a spoonful of pistachios. I mess around and take a long time getting them to her bowl. She says, “Forget it. When I asked you, I was going to eat them. But now I am full.”
Would everyone take offense at what she said? Who wouldn’t take offense? And what happens when the statement is meant to hurt you, but you don’t catch the implied meaning? What if the insult was meant for someone else but you assumed it was for you? All these scenarios have happened to me. In this case, I know my mom well enough to know that it is unnecessary to read further into her statement. She means what she said and isn’t trying to make me feel bad.
Seeing the impermanence on both ends, as the speaker and listener, has allowed me to stop and ask myself, is it possible this is just an opinion? Would I take offense either because I identify with what was said, or else I disagree with what was said? If I have something at stake or my belongings are involved, then I’m suddenly attentive, and ready to take it personally?
So who is to blame when I get offended? If your statements could universally make people feel the same thing, then the blame would be on the you, as the speaker. Imagine how crazy it would be if your statements could control how people feel. We’d all be puppets on strings. But since the evidence is clear that I only take offense when I see myself in the statement, it’s very clear that it’s not you, it’s me!
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