Neecha's Blog

On our Buddhist pilgrimage this year, we spent hours on the tour bus driving from one rural location to another. At a rest stop near the India-Nepal border, my friend emerged with three ziploc bags full of ripe Indian gooseberries. I asked her what she was going to do with all of those gooseberries. She said they were specific to that region, and she bought them for people to try.  She sure bought enough because a small bite out of a gooseberry was enough to remember its sour, bitter taste for a lifetime, and there were 50 people on the bus. The gooseberries were passed around, as was a bag of salt to dip them in.

Back in Thailand, this same friend and I went shopping for snacks and desserts. She brought me to the Sahm Yan market that is very well known for its quality treats. It was difficult to find parking, and she nearly got into an argument with two drivers and a parking attendant in the process. Once inside, we ended up purchasing a variety of traditional desserts. My friend told me to let her know which ones I liked because she would be coming back bright and early the next day to buy treats for the get-together we were going to.

At the get-together the next day, it seemed like she purchased everything the entire market was selling. You name it, she bought it.  As we sat down for lunch, each time someone complimented the desserts she had brought to the party, I could see my friend beam with pride. During the meal, she keep complimenting other dishes that others had brought, telling me to try them.

Finally, we sat down as a group and discussed what dhamma we had gained from the pilgrimage up until now. My friend said that she was beginning to realize what it truly meant to be suffer while trying to gain the approval of others. She told us that when she opened up her purse, there were so many things in there that she had carried with her, just in case. Baby wipes, kleenex, lotion, pens. She confessed that she had even saved the salt packets from the meals on board the airplanes. When we asked her why, what salt would have to do with seeking approval from others, she told us that if someone were to need salt and she had it, she would be a hero. She would gain their approval.

When asked what if no one ever needed the salt, she said, well you keep collecting and looking for an chance to offer it to someone at the perfect opportunity. I asked her if that was why she bought so many gooseberries, to create a need for the salt? She said that was an unintentional gain. She only wanted to introduce people to Indian gooseberries so that she would look knowledgeable and gain their approval. And she bought a lot, just in case someone liked them, so she would win points there too. In the process, she had to keep asking people if they had tried it yet, sell them on the Indian gooseberries, and push them to have at least one bite.

When she took me to the market, just like any other place she’d taken me to, she’d conquer any obstacles in order to show me a good meal, a well-known restaurant, an amazing fruit-stand. Why? Because if I liked what she had showed me, that would indicate approval, which would feed her sense of self. And the reason she braved the break of dawn and spent all that time and money buying up all those sweets? To gain the approval of the people at the party by showing them how she knew where to buy delicious food. And it wouldn’t stop there. She would remember what each person liked, and would go out and buy some of their favorites for the next time they meet.

There was one thing that I didn’t think quite fit her M.O. Why, if she wanted people to see her and approve of her, did she point them to dishes that other people brought to the party? She explained, well if I tell someone that this tastes good and they try it and like it, then that means that I have good taste! I’ll take whatever points I can get!

Everything that she did, she did in order for people to see her, to accept and validate her. Members of the tiny-heart club seek the approval of others in order to sustain their sense of self (Members of the other, egotistical club are all about self-approval. As a lifetime member of the egotistical club, I can confirm that it doesn’t even matter if other people don’t approve, my opinion is the only valid one. Both types are unbalanced and need adjusting). This tiny-heart type constantly hungers for validation. Their ups and downs are directly dependent on their interpretation of someone’s approval or disapproval. This can cause them to repeat actions that seem to get approval (buying desserts that people like), and try to find the “right” action to correct disapproval (finding something more impressive than dessert, if dessert didn’t do the trick). In this way, the cycle never stops.

You will keep collecting salt and going out to buy sweets unless you realize how much suffering and harmful consequences it’s actually causing you. All the stress you go through in your quest for approval, and you don’t even really know if liking a dessert you bought truly means that the person likes you. Can you really use worldly objects to build your sense of worth, your sense of self? And is your value only determined by how many people like you, or by whether the leader of a group likes you? Even if someone approves of you now, can it change? Who are you, really? Minus the gooseberries, gifts, and knowledge about what’s hip and happening, what do you have to offer this world? When will you start doing things for yourself, and not for others?