I was a few days into my first KPY retreat and I was still on the fence about whether or not this approach was for me. I had quietly listened as other folks shared stories from their lives and the realizations they had achieved when they examined their experiences from a correct viewpoint. I still don’t know what persuaded me to finally speak. But I did. I raised my hand and tearfully shared a story that had caused me a tremendous amount of pain. Without further adieu …the story:
It was during the swine flu panic back in 2009 and I was on my way to Walgreens looking for facemasks. Standing out front was a homeless guy, Shack, who I knew from around the neighborhood. Shack and I had become friendly and whenever I saw him I would give him a big hug and offer him something to eat.
Well there I was, face-to-face with Shack and at a total loss for what to do; I wanted to be kind and compassionate and give the guy a hug, after all, I always did. But I was petrified! This was before anyone knew how swine flu spread, or how serious it was. I was caught, staring at my friend –homeless, dirty, clearly high—and my mind started feeling torn between wanting to be a “good person” and the fear that if I hug this guy I’m going to get swine flu and then I’m going to get sick and then I’m going to die. In the end, I gave him a hug, I didn’t get swine flu and I didn’t die. I also didn’t get facemasks, they were all sold out.
The story however clearly wasn’t finished. Over a year later I find myself at a retreat sobbing through my tale and weighed down with what I saw as my epic struggle—being compassionate versus being afraid. Here is where I learned KPY lesson #1, if I’m that upset about something there is still a problem. I quickly realized that, since we were no where near Shack, Wallgreens or swine flu the real problem could only be me. A little help from my new Dharma friends helped my see some of the other issues much more clearly.
First off, I was making a whole lot of assumptions during my interaction with Shack. I assumed that Shack had swine flu, if I hugged him I would get it, if I got it I would get sick, if I got sick I would die. That’s a long trail of ‘ifs’ but underlying them all was a pretty incorrect assumption about the world –that it is permanent and that I can know for sure what is going to happen. Actually, I have since learned that in every situation there are many many possibilities; leaving more room for these in my thoughts has had the effect of helping minimize my many many fears.
Moreover, I saw exactly how ego-centric I had been in the situation. From the get go, I assumed that Shack wanted a hug and that my giving it to him was the act of a compassionate being. I never even considered that possibility that Shack saw me and thought, “darn there is that crazy hippy girl again, I guess I’ll be nice and give her a hug since she clearly needs one.” On some level, I figured that if I were in Shack’s situation I would want someone to give me a hug because that would acknowledge my personhood. Ironically, the reasons I gave Shack a hug ignored Shack’s personhood –he just became an extension of me –how I would want to be treated, how I can be “compassionate”.
Here is the point at which we can look at the peril of my ways. First off, I was looking outwards, at disease and homelessness and uncertainty, for the source of my pain but it was all about me and my own issues all along. If I had kept looking outwards I wouldn’t have found the cause of my suffering and I wouldn’t have been able to correct it. Truth be told, being afraid and upset is no fun but they go hand-in-hand with the view point from which I engaged with Shack. Second, I really do want to be a good person, but if I subconsciously overlay my own agenda on the situations and people around me, my grounds for making “good person” decisions are pretty shaky.
Finally, my story was starting to come to a close. My tears had dried, by breathing was calm and even. I had caught a glimmer of where I was (suffering) and the direction in which this practice could move me (towards an understanding that minimized my suffering) and I liked it. I became a “KPY convert” that day more than a year ago. Since then I have felt myself continue to grow, to become less neurotic and happier, to be kinder and gentler to the folks around me, and, I hope, to see the world and myself in greater alignment with reality. So while there are no lighted paths to illuminate the exit signs…I still have a hunch I’m headed in the right direction.
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