My mom and I went swimming today at a pool nearby our house. There are six lanes at the pool, divided into 2 slow, 2 medium, and 2 fast lanes. Lap swim is from 5:30-10:00am and when we go early we can oftentimes secure a lane for the two of us to share for the hour we spend there.
As each swimmer arrives they typically fill in the empty lanes and when each lane is occupied by at least one person, the newcomers usually share a lane with one person, gradually filling the lanes until they are each occupied by two swimmers. One rule at the pool is to observe the lane configuration:
| slow | med | fast | fast | med | slow |
However, most people just fill in wherever there’s space. Sometimes the slowest swimmers are in the fast lane and sometimes a fast and slow swimmer share a medium pace lane. There’s one lady who’s a pain because she’s always trying to get medium pace swimmers to swim in the medium lane and fast in the fast, just like the rules indicate.
The pool rules also indicate that circle swimming is required for lanes occupied by three or more swimmers. It doesn’t often get to that point because the swimmers trickle in and out during the lap swim hours, leaving most of the lanes split between two people. But, when it does happen that a person joins a two swimmer lane when the whole pool is paired off, that person typically moves to another lane once a space opens up-people do it, as it seems to be common etiquette. Even so, I’ve been in a lane with four people before, which actually worked out nicely because we swam at a compatible pace. When other lanes opened up it wasn’t necessary for any of us to move and swim with others at a slower pace, or with the big splasher-guy. Some had four laps until they were done with the workout so it was pointless to move. Yet another time, I swam with my brother and my mom in one lane, even while lanes were available with one swimmer each. It was just more fun that way.
When we arrived at the pool at 6:30am today there were only two lanes each with one swimmer in it and four lanes each were occupied by two swimmers. My mom and I had to split up so my mom got in one of the middle lanes and I got in the lane by the stairs protruding into the pool. I used to swim competitively so it was really important to me to have a good flip turn area at the wall-but in that lane, I would flip and hit the stairs, making my flip turn difficult to predict. So, thinking that my mom was slow I asked her to switch with me. When she told me she wasn’t going to switch it dawned on me that it wasn’t the best way out. As a more experienced swimmer I would adapt to lane conditions easier and more importantly, she swam backstroke all the time so she wouldn’t even see the stairs in time to stop. Silly me.
My problem was that I wanted that flip turn wall. I didn’t want to kick off of the stairs. Was there a way to be happy? After asking my mom to switch I realized that the lady in my lane wouldn’t want to switch either. It’s like offering food to someone saying, “this is gross, here you have it.” But I did see that my answer was in compromising- not with others but with myself. Once I understood my true need- the flip turn wall, not necessarily the other side of the lane, or another lane altogether, I finally understood how to get what I wanted. Having swam in that pool since I was 6 yrs old, I could gauge how far I was from the wall and make my way to it, even while doing backstroke. So, I just used the wall to flip turn when my lane partner wasn’t using it. This time-share worked out because I swam at a pace much more different from hers, so I didn’t even encounter the problem of her being at the wall when I was. But even if she was, would it kill me to stop and turn around before the wall? It might have, if I hadn’t thought of how I could use the wall. After I figured it out, it was smooth swimming…. until I decided to pick another fight with myself.
I joined my mom in one of the medium pace lanes when the person she was swimming with got out and left. Soon the other single lanes all paired up, each splitting the lanes in half so each person kept to one side. Finally one lady got in our lane and waited for me to get to the wall. She held up three fingers and smiled. I said “share? ok.” So we were the first lane to circle swim. While circle swimming, my mom wanted one of us to move because she didn’t want to run into us or have us run into her. It was less stressful to swim in a split lane compared to circling. As one lane next to us became single, I thought it was great because now our third wheel could go pair off with another lady. But even after yet another lane became single, she still didn’t budge! I thought, “oh man, is she really not going to move? doesn’t she know that the third person should move when the opportunity presents itself?” But she still didn’t. Eventually she got out of the pool, and we went back to splitting the lane. But then, she came back and despite other lanes that were occupied by only one person each, she entered our lane. Seriously!! I didn’t want to say anything to her, but inside I was fuming. I left and shared the lane right next to my mom and the weirdo, but even still I was annoyed. This woman saw us speaking to one another, how could she not know we were together? Why would anyone want to choose to swim with two people instead of just one?
How would you solve this problem? What wrong belief am I clinging to? And what is the right way to think?
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the wrong belief stems from the existence of my own special set of standards – my standards aren’t the same as the standards of the pool, or of the majority of people who swim at the pool. they are derived from pool rules, a little bit of assumed etiquette, a little bit of what i’ve observed people doing.
the problem is that i believe my standards are the best, others know about this standard, others should follow this standard, and they will follow this standard.
once i realized that i was being unfair with my standards (changing it whenever it would be to my benefit)- and once i realized that standards are shaped from situations, but once those situations change, we don’t allow ourselves to shift from that standard- my problems with the lady swimming in the lane with me and my mom suddenly seemed very silly.
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