When I asked my friend what her plans for the day were, she said, “Ugh, it sucks. I have to take people sightseeing. But I don’t know why I’m complaining. I should stop complaining about it.”
I asked her, “Really, though. Do you know why you’re complaining?”
She stopped and thought about it. “I don’t know….”
“Because it adds value to what you’re doing. If you didn’t complain, it wouldn’t be a big deal. If it wasn’t a big deal, you wouldn’t be so important or great for doing it.”
Is there a way to do things without complaining? What’s the reason you’re taking these people sightseeing? Why are you cooking dinner for your husband? Why did you promise something you’re uncomfortable with? Why did you give her that ride home, even though it was entirely out of your way? If we can honestly answer these questions, we will likely find that we’re off-point.
We agree to do things we don’t like to do because we believe it’s the way to make our friends and loved ones happy. There’s no one else who will do it if we don’t step up. Oh, the sacrifice. Problem is, when we do things for others, we’re waiting for their approval, for that “thank you,” for their compliments. And when we don’t get them, or get them in a way we hadn’t expected, we can feel really disappointed.
Wouldn’t it be better for us to be the source, to be the reason we do these things? Imagine if I cleaned, not because someone made a mess, but because I saw crumbs on the counter and was in a position to clean it. I didn’t have to, I wanted to. And it didn’t matter who or what made the mess. I did it for me.
I made breakfast because I didn’t want to deal with the consequences if I hadn’t done it. I knew that my dad normally didn’t eat breakfast, but anything was possible because every day is a new day. If I made a portion for him, I wouldn’t have to worry about him taking my portion, or my complaining about having to take time to prepare more food instead of eating. I knew there were so many ways for things to turn out – he could eat all of it, some of it, none at all, complain about how it tasted, say nothing, or ask for more. But none of those possibilities were the reason why I made breakfast. I knew that if I hadn’t made enough for him, I would feel guilty if he happened to want some. Once I made his portion, regardless of the outcome, I already felt good. So really, I was doing it for me.
With my mom as a consistently good model and myself as a consistently annoying whiner, I had the goal and motivation to want to change. It wasn’t easy. But, that breakfast was a true story. Just a few weeks ago, I was finally able to make that meal without hating, without complaining, without waiting for the outcome. It took me years of trying to learn how to stop sourcing the value from others, to finally do things for reasons that only involved me, myself, and I. I’m glad my day finally came. When will yours?
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